Ted Lasso - S01E09 All Apologies (2024)

No: 9 |Season: 1 Episode: 9 |Air Date: 25-Sep-20 |Runtime: 31 mins

Summary

After a series of mistakes on the pitch, pressure mounts to bench Roy. Rebecca finally reveals the truth to Ted.

Director and Writers

Director: MJ Delaney
Writers: Phoebe Walsh

Quotes

Ted: You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?Rebecca: It's a profile on women in football. It's not a big deal. There's, like, four of us: me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.Ted: Oh, come on, now. Being a role model's a huge deal. Don't you realize that there's probably a little girl out there somewhere rocking a tiny eggplant-colored power suit, and she's just dreaming about becoming a sports executive someday.

Ted: Hey, did those marketing folks from Tom Ford ever get back to you?Keeley: Yeah, they did. They said they're gonna stick with the models they already have.Ted: Aw, nuts.Keeley: I know. But they did say that if they ever do an everyman campaign or something satirical, your name's on their list.

Rebecca: (referring to the equipment room) My God, it smells of feet in here. I mean, it just... it just hits you immediately, doesn't it? It's hot. Like feet funk, right up your nose. Can you smell it?

Rebecca: Imagine doing something unforgivable to someone who doesn't deserve it and then having to look them in the eye and tell them what you've done.Keeley: I don't have to imagine. I've done it. Year Eight, I took a sh*t in Joanna Wellington's locker. I apologized, I was uninvited to her birthday party, and then we patched it up a week later. Just fu$king tell him.Rebecca: Sorry, why did you do a sh*t in her locker?Keeley: I don't know. I was 13. What? Teenage girls are, like, mysterious and dark and dangerous.

Nathan: (Walks in on Rebecca and Keeley in the equipment room) Sorry. Um, wow. I know women like shoes, but, girls, come on, this is silly. (laughs nervously) Sorry, that was really sexist. Um, I just wasn't expecting there to be anyone in here. Um, but you are in here, and that's great. Take as long as you need.

Trent: Trent Crimm, The Independent.Ted: Ah, yes. That's the one. Okay. What's your question, Trent?Trent: Many of your young players have improved during your tenure. Then there's Roy Kent. He played dismally last match. Thoughts?Ted: Well, I think you could ask Roy himself. He'd tell you it wasn't his best day. But I'll let you know right now that Roy Kent is the backbone of this team.

Ted: All right, let's mix it up in here a little. If you're an introvert, I want y'all to raise your hand. You guys get the next few questions. (several reporters raise hands) Ah! That was a trick! If y'all were really introverts, you would've been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won't shut up.

Ted: Hi, guys. What's up?Coach Beard: Please have a seat.Ted: Okay. I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy or tell me that you're dating each other. Either one's cool with me. 'Cause your suggestion is ally.Coach Beard: We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.Ted: I see. Okay.Coach Beard: It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.Nathan: He's showing his age, and he's made significant mistakes in each of the last five matches. We just haven't been bitten in the ass by them yet.Coach Beard: But yesterday our butts had teeth marks. Deep ones. The kind you usually have to pay for.

Nathan: You paid someone to bite you?Coach Beard: No, of course not.Nathan: Oh, sorry. I...Coach Beard: Been paid.

Rebecca: Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I'm just gonna... get straight to the point. No faffing around, 'cause that's just annoying, and definitely no procrastinating. Procrast... Procrast... That's a good word, isn't it? Procrastinating. Pro... Procrastinating. Huh. I wonder what the etymology of that word is. Obviously, "pro," very good, but "crast"? Crast... I have no idea. Hey! Why don't we look it up?

Rebecca: (to Rupert) You're nearly 70, and you're having a baby? I mean, what are you, a character from the fu#king Bible? When your kid hits puberty, you'll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card.

Rebecca: I have something I need to tell you.Ted: Mm. Deja vu.Rebecca: I'm a fu*king bitch. Nope, that's new. Ted, I lied to you. I hired you because I wanted this team to lose. I wanted you to fail, and I sabotaged you every chance I've had. It was me who hired that photographer to take the photo of you and Keeley. I set up the interview with Trent Crimm, hoping that he would humiliate you. And I instigated the transfer of Jamie Tartt, even though you'd asked me not to. This club is all that Rupert has ever cared about, and I wanted to destroy it. To cause him as much pain and suffering as he has caused me. And I didn't care who I used or who I hurt. All you good people just trying to make a difference. (sobbing) Ted, I'm so sorry.Ted: Mm.Rebecca: If you want to quit or call the press, I'll completely understand.Ted: I forgive you.Rebecca: You... What? Why?Ted: Divorce is hard. It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if... you're the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things. Hell, I'm coaching soccer for heaven's sake. In London. (laughs) I mean, that's nuts. But this job you gave me has changed my life. It gave me the distance I needed to see what was really going on. Yeah, but you and me... We're okay.

Ted: All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.Sam: Oh, food poisoning is no joke. One time, I was being sick, and at the same time, I was having diarrhea.Ted: Mm. Yep. That'll happen. Anybody else wanna share?Dani: To be able to do both those things at the same time? The body is a miracle.Ted: Yeah. Good perspective. I appreciate that.

Ted: (to Coach Beard) All right. I see what's going on here. This is about Roy, ain't it? So you gonna give me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. That's a combo. Does it come with a medium drink?

Ted: Oh. I saw this video online of a, um, a kitten and a little baby chicken becoming friends and just hanging out together. It was... Well, here, let me show it to you. I got it right here.Roy: What's this about?Ted: It's funny, 'cause whenever my mom has something tough to talk about with me, she'll, um... you know, she'll start it off saying something about, I don't know, something weird, something overtly nice. And, uh, yeah, I just thought the idea of a cat and a bird being all simpatico was nice. Look, Roy, we've been talking about the starting lineup against Man City...Roy: Don't you dare. You're not fu#king benching me.

Rebecca: There are a lot of surprises happening here. Like that tiny little beard.Higgins: It's called a Van Dyke after the 17th century Flemish painter.Rebecca: Oh. Right.Higgins: And I think it makes me look how I feel. Chill.Rebecca: How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it?Higgins: She hates it with a white-hot intensity.

Rebecca: Right. Look... I came clean to Ted. I told him everything.Higgins: Oh. How did that go?Rebecca: You know what the little sh*t did? He forgave me.

Keeley: I do kind of think kids are pretty incredible. I mean, she's got new teeth that push out her old teeth. The body is a miracle.

Roy: Roy Kent has been the best player on every team he's been on since he was a kid. I like being Roy Kent. I don't know if I can handle just being some loser has-been called Roy. "All right, Roy?" Yeah. "What you been up to?" Fu*k all.Keeley: God. I think men who feel sorry for themselves are so sexy.Roy: Stop it.Keeley: No, seriously. I do. And if you start telling me how hard it is playing a game for a living, I think I might come.

Ted: Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver. Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.Coach Beard: I was always more of a Taber guy.

Roy: Told my niece I might not be playing. She asked if we could go get ice cream.Ted: Well, hey, at least you had someone you could talk to, right? How was the ice cream?Roy: Good. It's fu*king ice cream.Ted: Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best. It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel perform live, you know? It never disappoints. It does give me the toots though. The ice cream, not Billy Joel.

Ted: I promised myself I was never gonna watch Fresh Prince again when they swapped out Aunt Vivs. But truth be told, as long as they let Carlton do his thing, I was always gonna take a minute and just sit right there.

Ted: Alfonso Ribeiro, the greatest physical comedian of the 19th, 20th and 21st century. Case in point right here. (dances the Carleton) Iconic, yeah?Roy: I never know how to react when a grown man does the Carlton in front of me.Ted: You could see a silhouette doing this, you know exactly what it is, you know exactly who's doing it. It is the one, the only, Alfonso...

Roy: What if, God forbid, I end up having to play in fu#king America, where I'd dominate, by the way. They'd be like, "Oh, is this football then?"

Roy: Can I think about it?Ted: I'd call you a big dummy, poo-poo face if you didn't.

Ted: Be honest with me. It's a prank, right? The tea. Like, when us tourist folks aren't around, y'all know this tastes like garbage.Roy: No. I love it.Ted: You don't love it. It's pigeon sweat.

Ted: Bing-bong! It's biscuits o'clock.

Nathan: I know now's not the best time, Coach, but I have been feeling physically sick since walking away from you the other day. Plus last night, I had a horrible nightmare that I was pecking you to death like a crow. I'm so sorry.Ted: It's okay, Nate. We're all good in the hood, all right? But hey, but do me a favor. Try to apologize to me in your dream so we're good on that side of things too.

Roy: My six-year-old niece found my girlfriend's vibrator. So I had to take her to get her ears pierced in an attempt to erase the memory.Coach Beard: Been there.

Music

"Piano Joint (This Kind of Love)" by Michael Kiwanuka (Rebecca walks to the locker room.)

"Waving Flags" by British Sea Power (Coach Beard storms out of the pub.)

"Leader of the Landslide" by The Lumineers (End song.)

Notes and Trivia

Hannah Waddingham won a Primetime Emmy Award for "Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series" for the episode "All Apologies."

Brett Goldstein won a Primetime Emmy Award for "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series" for the episode "All Apologies."

Coach Beard's girlfriend Jane is played by Phoebe Walsh, story editor of the series and author of this episode.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.

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Cast